Bad Parent Day

You know those mornings when your hair won't go the direction you want it to? Well, today, my parenting ability to think, be patient, and know what the hell I'm doing, has a huge cowlic in it. I wish I could just take out that flat iron and straighten everything up. It's late afternoon, and I feel like I am swimming around in a big stewpot of tension. Instead of carrots and potatoes next to me, I have stress, stress, stress. I could really go on and write that word several more times, fill up the page even.

Today I am failing at motherhood. I'm just not in the place where I can be rational, pleasant, thoughtful. I'm more in the areas of easily triggered, frustrated, and about ready to snap in two.

I need to make some changes. I am not good at making the changes. I feel guilty that I'm not good at making those changes. Feeling guilty tends to make me run away from God and not consult Him. It can only go downhill from there.

 So I am stopping to write about this. I am forcing myself to look in the mirror and say, CedarTree, ask God for help--RIGHT NOW!

Ok that's better. That's a start. Oh yup, yup, there's that Serenity Prayer popping into my mind.

And there is that little chill that lets me take a deep breath. And there is the thought of taking another deep breath, and another. I have been trying to decide which book to buy on the topic of Mindfulness. I know mindfulness is a powerful thing. I know that Dr. Dan Siegal has created a whole new area of study with the brain and mindfulness and interpersonal neurobiology. He has also helped a lot of people who struggle, which means even the most contracted soul can soften and change shape. As hard as it seems I can do better. I can do this. I can find my way down the path of change, and find the strength and patience that I currently lack.

I can let myself feel and learn and cry, and tomorrow will be different, and maybe even better. In the meantime, I'm asking God to take over.